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recollections of an artist

How many times do we look at a scale and decode the number on it to figure out what is really telling us other than our weight?  A couple years ago I worked on a project where I set up a scale and weighed myself everyday at the same time and took a photograph.  I eventually made it into a day calendar (photos can be found here of this piece).  In my not so distant past, I was very obsessed with my weight.  I didn’t understand how the number on the scale could determine my day.  I would weigh myself several times a day and be even more obsessed when the number changed.  The way this shows up has transformed tremendously in the last couple of years, but time is a curious thing.  Even looking at that work at seeing this photograph above, my struggle with weight seems so far away, but in reality, I’m still quite young in my recovery.

The thing I am most afraid of, more than pain, the unknown, the unexpected or the suffering, is being stuck in any one of those places for eternity.  Logically, I know this is impossible, but when I am deep in those struggles, my fear tells me something very different from my brain.  Looking back at that scale series I made or reading the above photograph has become a wonderful example for me that despite how hopeless I felt at that time, I am not there anymore.  I wasn’t stuck!  My mind is in a different place, my energy is in other things and my art has become so much more in depth.  I love to see how my art has changed along with the way my life is changing.  The more in depth I go, the more in depth and rich my work becomes.  It’s not that things switch and we forget what happened prior completely.  It just changes.  Sometimes all I need to know is that things will change and grow to give me inspiration and courage to continue forward.  Whether that is up, down, sideways or inside out, I am willing to see where the change takes me, just as long as I don’t get stuck.  Today I am grateful to be able to see that constant change in my artwork and in my life.  I hope to forever remain a student of life and remain teachable.  Even though the lessons can sometimes be painful, it’s more important to me to move past what the scale will not tell me.

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