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recollections of an artist

In the Land of Gods and Monsters, who would I be?  I’ve been listening to this song a lot this week with that thought spinning in my mind.  It’s as if I’ve been stuck in the spin cycle in the washing machine, listening and thinking, working on art and repeating.  I have entered uncharted territory.  I’ve been reexamining my work and what I’m producing, which has naturally led to the reexamination of my life in relation to the work.  Since my work is in part autobiographical, to look at the pieces and works being created in context with the source of their creation is critical for me.  It keeps me on my singleness of purpose and paradoxically expands the paths to where the work could be taken.

With that said, it should be simple from here to just look forward, right?  Right??? Okay, okay readers.  Don’t worry. I have reopened my eyes and come to the realization that it is not quite that simple, if all I am doing is spinning around in circles, following and being followed by the same things.

They say when dogs are chasing their tails, they are trying to solve a problem. I have recently been taking steps forward onto the grounds of uncharted territory. I’m looking at past events in my life and forcing myself to start addressing some of the monsters that still hide and stay under my protection. I am seeing that it is not the traumatic events that haunt my dreams, but rather, the reality of them.  I thought that if I kept them hidden from others, that they wouldn’t exist.  Secrets can be seductive, posing as relief, but are really monsters in disguise.  As we walk through the world full of Gods and monsters, is our innocence stolen from us when we see our first monster?  Or were we never born with the promise of heavenly purity?  It has taken me most of my life to see that I don’t want to run away with my monsters, but this week, I long for the inviting charm of them.  Looking at them head on makes me feel like, “an angel looking to get f*cked hard”, so out of my element and lost in “a garden of evil”.  I feel betrayed by the Gods of this earth and in turn, so very alone.  The truth is, I want to keep my imperfect soul and since it can’t be taken, only given away, I have the power to do that.  If this is what I truly want, I need to step out of the spinning and look at the things that spin with me.  I hope that when I can see what they really are, I can begin to understand more about myself, my art and where I am going with it.  Turning toward self destruction takes me out of the pain and allows me to feel a part of the darkness.  I leave expectations and care behind.  However, when it comes to my work, those characteristics and actions are the last thing I want to give away.  So as I sit on the edge of the washing machine and watch my life spinning around and around, I seek to find the truth about myself and what that means for my artwork. For now, it doesn’t seem to matter so much who I am in relation to the world, but who I am thus far in my life.

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