This week I’ve been thinking a lot about memories. For a long time, I have focused on how much I hate the bad ones and developing ways to cope with intrusive memories of trauma. A few days ago I was involved in a conversation where someone was recalling things from her childhood. Very specific things, such as teachers names, what they looked like and the size and feel of her grandfather’s hands. Naturally my mind wandered, but when I began to try to recall my own memories I realized there was a gap. A significant one.
It was the first time I realized that when I try to block out the difficult parts of my life, other things have gotten swooped up in there too. I never signed up for a wiping of parts of my hard drive! I just wanted a way out of the pain. But the painful thing this week was realizing I no longer had access to many memories, some of them good.
This weeks song has been playing on repeat the last couple days. Originally a David Bowie song, a majority of it involves the recollection of specific exchanges, feelings and thoughts. Also, the vision of a man selling the world- was it his to give away? Did he know what he had? And was the agreement that it was gone forever? These are the same questions I’m currently asking myself. I’m not sure what the answers are yet, but I hope to find them.